Let’s imagine for a minute that Santa’s list was real. That somewhere out there, there’s an elf sitting in a little igloo subjecting all of us to some mysterious moral standard, shuffling us into columns to be labelled naughty or nice. Imagine then, that this would somehow determine whether or not we would get presents for Christmas this year.
After painting this hypothetical situation, we asked some of our friends whether they think they deserve presents this year.
Here are the confessions of those who think they don’t.
As you can probably tell, I never admitted that the fart was actually mine.
1. Raymond, 29, “I insulted an old lady.”
I was on the road one afternoon when suddenly from behind me, someone honked before overtaking and cutting in front of me into my lane. As this was happening, I flashed my middle finger at the driver of the vehicle as it passed me. When I turned to check out who this idiot was, I realised it was an old lady behind the wheel.
2. Wei Ling, 24, “I tried to convert someone who’s gay.”
My brother’s new boyfriend is really hot. Once I was browsing an aisle at Kinokuniya when all of a sudden, I zone out and I’m suddenly thinking about how sharp his cheekbones are. One day, I had this ridiculous idea that maybe I could convert him. It’s so stupid, I know. But that’s how infatuated I was (am). I have gay friends and I know it’s not how it works. When we had a moment alone this one time, I asked if there was really no chance he could be with a girl. When he said no, I just kept asking him why, and even put my hand on his thigh. On hindsight, I’m so embarrassed.
3. Jonathan, 31, “I ruined a colleague’s reputation with a fart.”
I was in a meeting early this year when I farted. This was in a conference room and I kept quiet, hoping that it was one of those odourless ones. But the colleague next to Charlie, who was next to me, just happened to be the first to smell it. So of course he thought that it was Charlie’s fart! He made a super big deal out of it, jumping and screaming and waving about and everything. Now everyone calls Charlie ‘fart boy.’ As you can probably tell, I never admitted that the fart was actually mine. I’m not sure if Charlie has figured it out either.
4. Kenneth, 28, “I lied to a vegan.”
At a pot luck party last week, I brought some ham that I had baked myself at home. I thought it would be funny to tell my vegan friend that it was actually made from the mock meat seitan, which is actually wheat gluten. When he tried it and said that it was surprisingly delicious, I had to excuse myself to laugh. I was so caught up in being amused that when he asked me where I bought it, I told him in a moment of recklessness that it came from this shop in Chinatown (which I made up). I was afraid that he might ask me for the recipe which I obviously didn’t have. He just told me yesterday that he’s heading to Chinatown over the next few days to pick up some vegan ham for himself.
5. Michelle, 27, “I’ve been leeching my neighbour’s wifi for the past year.”
I just started renting a new place this year. It’s a little small, but it’s all mine. When I first moved in, the thing I needed right away, obviously, was wifi. Being the busy (lazy) person I am, I hadn’t gotten round to calling Singtel or MyRepublic or whoever it is who does these things. So like all Singaporeans in a cafe hoping for a miracle, I looked up nearby wifi hotspots and my neighbour’s was available! So I jumped on it and it’s been a year since I started using it. I still don’t have my own wifi.
So what do you guys think? Do these guys still deserve presents this year?